Sunday, February 03, 2008

granny knickers: what can be done?

the images above show the amazonian rain forest and some pairs of granny knickers

climate change, global warming, terrorist threats & war. we live in a world full of fear, sorrow, and uncomfortable uncertainty about tomorrow. you can’t read a newspaper or watch a tv program without hearing about any of these issues, yet there is one major threat to man’s happiness that goes unnoticed. I am, of course referring to granny knickers.

who among us hasn’t been deeply appalled at the sight of an otherwise reasonably attractive female sporting a pair of giant, very unattractive knickers, the thick seams clearly visible beneath a pair of jeans, dress, or a skirt? are they aware of the high levels of distress this is causing to randy blokes, checking out their rear? It’s not as if we can’t look. it’s in our DNA.

forget for one moment the horrible visual realization to that I am referring to. no. there is a much greater cause for alarm and concern as to this terrible practice. these girls and women are unwittingly contributing to the destruction of the planet as we know it.

take a normal pair of sexy panties or thongs for instance. very reasonable one might add. not only are girls’ derrieres looking as they should (sexily enhanced) but the minimal material used limits the impact to fragile ecosystems. all in all, everyone surely has to agree that a hot girl wearing sexy underwear is a win-win situation. she’s happy, blokes are even happier, and the planet nods away in approval.

now compare granny knickers. these gigantic, ill-fitting ugly bloomers, cause immense visual distress, leading to traumatic head shaking among men. we are left to speculate upon the reasons why any female would choose such contraptions. is it to deter men? who knows the true answer, but the wearing of granny knickers is without doubt, one huge turn-off.

if it were only that! no. much more insidious is the terrible damage being wrought upon mother earth. the massive amounts of material used in the manufacturing process are causing huge swathes of the amazonian rain forest to be cleared. this deforestation has been primarily caused by the increased demand by boring women who wish to cover their rears in as much thick fabric as possible. yes, granny knickers are contributing to global warming. CO2 levels are rising and the destruction of the rain forest due to granny knickers cannot be ignored anymore.

what can happen to these disturbing products over the course of their use is best not entertained, except that fish stocks in the world’s oceans are being depleted as innocent fish get entangled in the massive fabric, as numerous granny knickers get washed out to sea just because a few reckless females decide to go skinny-dipping. it is now known for instance that fisherman are replacing their old fishing nets with dozens of pairs of granny knickers sewn together, and just trawl away. the results on fragile ecosystems are devastating. these knickers ensnare any and everything in their path. a 300lb tuna is no match for thickly-sewn gussets.

the raw materials, massive energy and manpower required to manufacture these vulgar items is completely out of step in today’s modern world. these companies must be stopped, and it is time for government intervention. it’s time for the appointment of a minister for attractive underwear. locally policed, fines could be issued, tax credits could be implemented, and collection agencies would rid our cities. who knows, within just a few short years, blokes might never again have to look at a girl wearing a pair of granny knickers.


Enchanting Sunshine said...

Hilarious! :-)

nutty said...

many thanks!

it's a BIG problem...

tiernan said...

thank you for bringing this serious issue to light. I'm glad the many hours we spent discussing it have lead to much needed action.