letter to the pittsburgh steelers

dear bill and the whole 'steelers organisation.

check out my photo!

on the eve of superbowl sunday, let me first wish you, jerome bettis, and the entire 'steelers organisation the best against those seattle pidgeons. It goes without saying that i'll be making a lot of noise, rooting for you guys. there is some good news, though, and it doesn't involve saving 15% or more on your car insurance with geico. I am available for training camp to try out as a positional short yardage/ goal-line specialist.

my name is chunky, and I want to be on your team. while I acknowledge that stats-wise, I may appear somewhat undersized, once you see my giant paws, you'll realize that only a fool for a man would try and make me 'tikki barber' the ball (makes my fur bristle at the very idea!)

i don't have any contract limitations, but I am a bit mischievous (we can work something out with my agent, relax; it's not t.o's idiot) hmm; are bananas on the banned list of performance-enhancing substances? If not, they certainly should be.

I've been practicing a lot, including my own touchdown celebration. but enough monkeying around; here are my stats.

max. height: 8¼"

weight: ¼ lb

arm span:10¼" (pretty impressive)

biceps: 3"

thighs: 3½"

waist: 8½" (yes; I'm sturdy)

paw span: 1½"

yes. I'm built.

"jungle rules!"

please contact my agent for more information, and any free tickets you, er, might find...

yours sincerely,

chunky

mark.a.solomon@gmail.com

go steelers!